October 30, 2004


A Public Service for the Undecided Voter

Hi there! Gosh, I bet your brain is hurting right now. I know mine is! There's just too much information out there to let the average person make an informed decision. For instance: Why do we need to even think about the issues? Let's take the "Deficit" for example. Who cares? When I was seven, I visited the U.S. Mint in Washington, D.C. Why don't they just print up some more money?!?!? Then, presto! Not only would there be no more silly deficit, but the government could give us another $400 tax refund so we can send our kids to college or at least buy a decent color TV.

Yes, instead of the issues, we should be discussing which candidate we'd rather have a beer with (non-alcoholic, of course!). Now, a lot of people say they'd rather party with a war hero. And the liberals, well, they're telling us George W. Bush ain't no war hero. In fact, that fat fatty Michael Moore claims "W" was A.W.O.L. for a year. Well, I don't know about you, but George sure looks like a war hero to me.
Top Gun
Then there's the other guy from Taxachussetts ("LOL" as the kids say in their chatting rooms!). As far as I know, he's been lying about being a war hero. I mean didn't he shoot himself in the foot in order to leave Vietnam and sleep with Jane Fonda (even though part of him wanted to stay so he could go on raping innocent Vietnamese women and children)?kerryandfonda

I think what confuses me the most though is figuring out which guy would better protect us. Sure Bush was president during the greatest security failure in the history of the United States, but he sure acted awfully presidential after those Towers came down on September 14th (yes, I know they came down on 9/11 but on 9/14 I thought Bush really rocked Ground Zero and made us all proud to be under his command). If Kerry had been president, who knows? He probably would have treated the whole thing as a "nuisance" and left the country to go to France and take a global test. God, I hate tests!!!

However, those of you who know me know that I loves the video clips -- they're so much fun! Just click and watch!!! And they're so much easier to understand then newspapers and magazines 'cause videos tell you how to think and feel. So, as a publice service to you, the undecided voter, I've found two clips* (which you can click on and watch!!!) that for me definitively demonstrate who will make the bestest president.

*Disclaimer: The first clip was created by the Republican guy from Die Hard 2 and the second by the fat commie.
Bull and BallsStrength and Calm

Okay, did you watch the clips? Weren't they fun?!? So, what did we learn? I'll tell you: The first clip showed us that thanks to his training as a cheerleader,Bush LeagueGeorge W. Bush was totally prepared to save our country and as a result he became the greatest president since Jesus. Also, because he wouldn't take any crap from pretty boy Derek Jeter, Bush became the first pitcher in history to throw a perfect game in the World Series.

The second clip is even more revealing: Even though the tub o'lard would like us to think it shows a very weak, scared and confused George Bush, I, like the President himself, beg to differ. When President Bush sat on Dick Cheney's knee in the Oval Office (where he keeps Saddam's pistol!), he told the 9/11 commission that "his instinct was to project calm, not to have the country see an excited reaction at the moment of crisis." This quote is from the actual 9/11 Report so you know it's true. As a matter of fact, it documents this fact twice -- on the same page and in the same paragraph! I quote: "The President felt he should project strength and calm until he could better understand what was happening." (note: Some people might assume that he never really understood what was happening because we never saw his "excited reaction" -- but I think that's just a bunch of partisan nitpicking hooey.)

This clip also backfires for another reason: I believe fatso wanted to portray George W. Bush as a dummy, but HA! -- the joke's on tubby! This clip proves Bush can read. And not just a magazine...he's reading along with the children using an actual book!

I think the choice is painfully clear. Seriously, who would you rather have as our President? The guy who can read on a first grade level, work a bullhorn and throw a baseball while wearing a bullet-proof vest? Or the guy "who voted for the $87 billion before he voted against it?" (HaHaHaHeeHeeHee -- I'm telling you, that line cracks me up every single time I hear it)

So, on November 2nd do the right thing and vote for the strong, calm guy. He deserves it. After all, he promised to get the evildoer responsible for 9/11, dead or alive, and he did it! The world is now so much safer without Saddam Hussein, doncha think? Oh, and when you vote, try not to think about the bodies underneath the flags...



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